It’s been awhile since I have written anything on here.. I’ve been doing so much thinking lately though and I need to vent. This post is not for attention. This is purely just to let my thoughts out and I’m trying to put things in order for myself so my head doesn’t sound so much like an overly crowded room anymore.

I am 21 years old. 22 in September.. I feel I have standards to meet seeing as everyone is either pregnant, settled down or have their lives in some sort of order. I feel somewhat of an outcast because I have no idea where my life is headed. I don’t have a career, I don’t have a boyfriend, I still live at home, I don’t go out, I hardly ever socialise outside of work, family and my small group of friends.. I basically just sit at home going over and over the same thoughts and getting no where with them. I’m still in the same place I was a year ago and I hate it. I hate that nothing really has changed. In saying that, I have grown a lot within myself and I have made some amazing friends that I couldn’t live without now. Why do I feel as though I should be living up to everyones standards with things and why do I feel so pathetic that I’m not where most people my age are? Now, this is my opinion. People will tell me I’m fine and amazing just the way I am. Which is nice to hear, of course, but I don’t feel either fine and things don’t feel amazing.. I miss my family.. I miss watching them grow up. I hate that I only get to see them in small portions at a time. It’s not fair. I hate seeing my mum work so hard and getting no where. I hate that she’s sick and has to keep battling on because she has no one to fall back on. I hate that she works 7 days a week and she doesn’t think she deserves a break. I hate seeing my grandma miss my family. I hate seeing her sit here day after day wishing she was with them. I hate seeing my family miss us. I hate that we aren’t closer to them. I think it’s so incredibly sad that we sit here, unhappy in this situation and we can’t change it. I hate that anxiety basically rules everything I do. I hate that I get so worked sometimes that I can’t even get out of bed. Or I have to stop whatever it is I’m doing to deal with it. I hate that my friends suffer. I hate watching my friends think they are anything but amazing. I hate the fact that I watch my best friend hate the world because it is so unfair. I hate the fact people complain about the most pointless shit when people who actually suffer do it in silence. I hate that this world has become what it has. People honestly take shit for granted and I hate it. I hate that I deal with all of this shit and then listen to everyone else complain about their lives and think to myself ‘try walking in my shoes.’ I hate the upbringing I had. I miss not knowing who my dad is and I hate the fact he thinks I was such a mistake. I hate that he thinks I was the reason mum left him. Not the fact he used to beat her in front of me, manipulate her, treat her like shit, make her give up everything for him.. I hate the fact girls complain that boys are the worst because they lead them on, suck them in and than fuck them over. Girls are just as fucked as boys and I think it’s quite selfish of girls to think that we’re the ones hard done by. I hate people who claim to be in love after a week of being together. I hate that there is no such thing as romance anymore. What happened to being taken on dates? Being brought spontaneous gifts, just because? Not opening your legs on the first date and than wondering why the other hasn’t called you back? What happened to getting to know the person before jumping straight into a relationship? The reason so many relationships are failing is because there is no getting to know each other before hand so when they finally do get to know each other, they realise they are not what they wanted and it ends. 

I deal with constant thoughts like these all day, every day.. I honestly, hate this generation and I’m sure I’m cliché in saying I can count my friends on one hand and I’m more than fine with that. I deal with anxiety and depression on a frequent basis. I am unhappy with my life right now but I have learnt over the years how to pretend everything is fine. I have scars to show that I didn’t want to be here anymore. I really just wish people would stop and think before complaining about things that aren’t really a major deal.. If people are talking shit about you, laugh.. Who the fuck cares what people are saying about you? You obviously mean something to them for them to take time out of their day to discuss you. I was bullied all throughout my school years and even long after. I know first hand what it’s like to have cruel rumours made up about you and how much it hurts when so called ‘friends’ talk shit behind your back.. I have learnt to let it be water off a ducks back and I’m better off for it. If a ‘friend’ fucks you over, be glad that you found out so you can remove them from your life. Don’t associate with fuckwits either. You’re asking for it if you trust someone you know isn’t trustworthy. I can read people extremely well. Within the first 5 minutes of meeting you, I can tell exactly what you’re like. I see through so many people.. It’s so sad the faces people put on just so they are liked or accepted. I know very few who actually are who they say they are. I’m incredibly happy to know them. 

This post is all over the place. I have been writing things down as they come to me so it probably doesn’t make much sense. I’ll be surprised if people have actually continued to read this after the first paragraph. Right now, I feel better. I feel as though my head has just been cleaned out. I wish people would just think before they opened their mouths sometimes and see that life could be worse. I know that I could have it so much worse and I appreciate as much as I can about what I have and my life so far. I just wish, like most people, that things were a little different. That I could wake up and suddenly life would be in order.. Oh well.. A girl can dream!